Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Letter To Bono.

Dear Bono

Today I read that you were caught hanging out with two hotties today. These hotties were also only 19. You my friend are old. You my friend are my hero... But alas, you need to change your ways.

I'm hoping that one day, when i start to go bald, and my stomach, cheeks and testicles start their slow drooping via gravity that I can pick up women that are sayyyyyyyy 29 years younger than me. I just hope I wont be married to someone for 29 years when my Panther self decides to go on the prowl.(Wow same age difference as you and the cuties... coincidence? She must be pissed.)

I understand that you are a Knight and think you can do pretty much anything you want. I also realize that knights used to go riding off and saving rather young princesses and getting married to their 12 year old cousins, but I highly doubt you know how to joust, and seriously disbelieve that you own more than 3 suits of armor.


OVER YONDER GALAHAD! BITCHES AND RICHES!


Bono my brother, I'm going to teach you some mathematical magic that just might save your life. Learn't this one in good ol' algebra.


"{Your Age / 2} + 7 = Socially acceptable age of girls in bikinis hanging onto your arms and neck."

This my friend is THE GOLDEN RULE.
Its called the Golden Rule, because Gold is fucking awesome.

Not the Golden Rule... but still awesome

Here is how a simple example of how all of life's most difficult problems can be solved using this intense and time tested algebraic equation.

"Yo Bono, why are you hanging out with those girls, they don't look like their ages are socially acceptable compared to yours."
(Remove Calculator and perform equation.)
"Oh really? Math, which is the science of numbers, shows that they ARE acceptable"
"Thats stupid. Some kid on the internet made that up. Math is also equally stupid."
"YOURE STUPID!"
Follow this up by a brisk throw of the calculator into the face of who ever is calling you out (friend, parent, wife, etc.)

Bono, you are a Knight, and your lyrical genious haunts my dreams (As much as I pray for it to stop) so i think if you follow my simple rule, things will look up, and maybe you can trade that old wife in for someone... mathmatically speaking...31 years old?

Love your Biological Son,
Cole.

Ps. Child Support?

4 comments:

RedDragon said...

... now was it good ol' algebra class or possible a life experience that taught you this golden rule?

Kyle McClure said...

I actually pretty such that Cole's formula was original created by Newton.
Possible lawsuit?? I dunno.

Nonsensical Sense said...

wait, START to go bald?

Nigellious said...

I wonder what their parents would/could say about this. I mean, they're only 19; on the other hand, it is Bono!