Saturday, December 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Everyone You Know...
So, this previous weekend, I played a concert with a lets say moderatelyfamousforwinningarealitytelevisionshowtoplay
inabandwithTommyLee... person.
Anyways. He has this wife...
People were all like "Yo, His wife is in...PORNOGRAPHY!"
And I was all "Yo! Coincidence! I watch PORNOGRAPHY!"
Probably Has Something To Do With Porn
So, they told me her name and i was like... Weird, I've never ever ever heard of this person before.
Dear reader. Before i get ahead of myself, let me clarify. I'm not some kind of strange and perverty pervert. Delving into my book of science I usually have by me, it says ... "100 percent of men in the world watch pornography alot. If they say they dont, they are obviously lying. Look on their computer in a folder Titled "Taxes" or "Homework" or "Bonerville"."
Anyways, it makes us kinda experts on it. I have trouble remembering the dates that Napoleon Bonaparte kicked some ass, but I could probably name off like... at least 40 pornstars (this is due in part that some have hillariousy rediculous names, while dates in history seldom make good humor).
When they mentioned her name, i drew a blank.
I went around, asked some male friends if they'd ever heard of this woman... they all replied no. I surmised that it must have been because she didn't have an awesome name like 'Cherry Poppins'. Names like 'Cherry Poppins' are blessed by God,(The god of pornography at least) and we cant ALL be that fortunate.
'From This Day Forth, Your Name Shall Be... DICK STIFF!!!'
I waited untill I met her, certain that id shake her hand and suddenly it would dawn on me. Id slap my head to my forehead and shout, "PHHHHHH! NOW I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! You're in the Wookie Orgy in 'Star Whores, Revenge Of The Clits'!!!"
But the fateful day came, and she walked into the room. I held my breath. She didnt 'seem' very porny. She came off more as a... 'cocaine addict' person, rather than a 'take your clothes off and rub your vagina on a camera' type person so me and a group of people began to discuss if any of us had seen her before on the magical place called the 'internets'. Shockingly, none of these people had either.
Suddenly, someone brought their phone out and said "I took the liberty of Googling her her last night, heres a picture of her naked".
Low and behold, there she was.
Naked.
Vagina in air.
There Were Alot Of These In The Picture As Well.
I have to inform you dear reader how strange it is to be in a room with a person looking at them, while also looking at a naked picture of them... doing stuff with another man... whos not their husband.......... while their husband is also in the room...
Mindfuck.
Anyways. The moral of the story is that, ANYONE could be a pornstar. Even a regular looking lady with a husband who was sitting beside me while we played music. Just because you've never SEEN them in a porn, doesn't mean they ARNT in one.
I'm talking about your old neighbor, your teacher, the bus driver, the lunchlady, hell, even a cute second year Nippising student writing a blog trying to win a contest could have been in a porn once, just once, to pay the bills.
You just really never know.
Cole.
inabandwithTommyLee... person.
Anyways. He has this wife...
People were all like "Yo, His wife is in...PORNOGRAPHY!"
And I was all "Yo! Coincidence! I watch PORNOGRAPHY!"
So, they told me her name and i was like... Weird, I've never ever ever heard of this person before.
Dear reader. Before i get ahead of myself, let me clarify. I'm not some kind of strange and perverty pervert. Delving into my book of science I usually have by me, it says ... "100 percent of men in the world watch pornography alot. If they say they dont, they are obviously lying. Look on their computer in a folder Titled "Taxes" or "Homework" or "Bonerville"."
Anyways, it makes us kinda experts on it. I have trouble remembering the dates that Napoleon Bonaparte kicked some ass, but I could probably name off like... at least 40 pornstars (this is due in part that some have hillariousy rediculous names, while dates in history seldom make good humor).
When they mentioned her name, i drew a blank.
I went around, asked some male friends if they'd ever heard of this woman... they all replied no. I surmised that it must have been because she didn't have an awesome name like 'Cherry Poppins'. Names like 'Cherry Poppins' are blessed by God,(The god of pornography at least) and we cant ALL be that fortunate.
I waited untill I met her, certain that id shake her hand and suddenly it would dawn on me. Id slap my head to my forehead and shout, "PHHHHHH! NOW I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! You're in the Wookie Orgy in 'Star Whores, Revenge Of The Clits'!!!"
But the fateful day came, and she walked into the room. I held my breath. She didnt 'seem' very porny. She came off more as a... 'cocaine addict' person, rather than a 'take your clothes off and rub your vagina on a camera' type person so me and a group of people began to discuss if any of us had seen her before on the magical place called the 'internets'. Shockingly, none of these people had either.
Suddenly, someone brought their phone out and said "I took the liberty of Googling her her last night, heres a picture of her naked".
Low and behold, there she was.
Naked.
Vagina in air.
I have to inform you dear reader how strange it is to be in a room with a person looking at them, while also looking at a naked picture of them... doing stuff with another man... whos not their husband.......... while their husband is also in the room...
Mindfuck.
Anyways. The moral of the story is that, ANYONE could be a pornstar. Even a regular looking lady with a husband who was sitting beside me while we played music. Just because you've never SEEN them in a porn, doesn't mean they ARNT in one.
I'm talking about your old neighbor, your teacher, the bus driver, the lunchlady, hell, even a cute second year Nippising student writing a blog trying to win a contest could have been in a porn once, just once, to pay the bills.
You just really never know.
Cole.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A Letter To Bono.
Dear Bono
Today I read that you were caught hanging out with two hotties today. These hotties were also only 19. You my friend are old. You my friend are my hero... But alas, you need to change your ways.
I'm hoping that one day, when i start to go bald, and my stomach, cheeks and testicles start their slow drooping via gravity that I can pick up women that are sayyyyyyyy 29 years younger than me. I just hope I wont be married to someone for 29 years when my Panther self decides to go on the prowl.(Wow same age difference as you and the cuties... coincidence? She must be pissed.)
I understand that you are a Knight and think you can do pretty much anything you want. I also realize that knights used to go riding off and saving rather young princesses and getting married to their 12 year old cousins, but I highly doubt you know how to joust, and seriously disbelieve that you own more than 3 suits of armor.
OVER YONDER GALAHAD! BITCHES AND RICHES!
Bono my brother, I'm going to teach you some mathematical magic that just might save your life. Learn't this one in good ol' algebra.
"{Your Age / 2} + 7 = Socially acceptable age of girls in bikinis hanging onto your arms and neck."
This my friend is THE GOLDEN RULE.
Its called the Golden Rule, because Gold is fucking awesome.
Not the Golden Rule... but still awesome
Here is how a simple example of how all of life's most difficult problems can be solved using this intense and time tested algebraic equation.
"Yo Bono, why are you hanging out with those girls, they don't look like their ages are socially acceptable compared to yours."
(Remove Calculator and perform equation.)
"Oh really? Math, which is the science of numbers, shows that they ARE acceptable"
"Thats stupid. Some kid on the internet made that up. Math is also equally stupid."
"YOURE STUPID!"
Follow this up by a brisk throw of the calculator into the face of who ever is calling you out (friend, parent, wife, etc.)
Bono, you are a Knight, and your lyrical genious haunts my dreams (As much as I pray for it to stop) so i think if you follow my simple rule, things will look up, and maybe you can trade that old wife in for someone... mathmatically speaking...31 years old?
Love your Biological Son,
Cole.
Ps. Child Support?
Today I read that you were caught hanging out with two hotties today. These hotties were also only 19. You my friend are old. You my friend are my hero... But alas, you need to change your ways.
I'm hoping that one day, when i start to go bald, and my stomach, cheeks and testicles start their slow drooping via gravity that I can pick up women that are sayyyyyyyy 29 years younger than me. I just hope I wont be married to someone for 29 years when my Panther self decides to go on the prowl.(Wow same age difference as you and the cuties... coincidence? She must be pissed.)
I understand that you are a Knight and think you can do pretty much anything you want. I also realize that knights used to go riding off and saving rather young princesses and getting married to their 12 year old cousins, but I highly doubt you know how to joust, and seriously disbelieve that you own more than 3 suits of armor.
Bono my brother, I'm going to teach you some mathematical magic that just might save your life. Learn't this one in good ol' algebra.
This my friend is THE GOLDEN RULE.
Its called the Golden Rule, because Gold is fucking awesome.
Here is how a simple example of how all of life's most difficult problems can be solved using this intense and time tested algebraic equation.
"Yo Bono, why are you hanging out with those girls, they don't look like their ages are socially acceptable compared to yours."
(Remove Calculator and perform equation.)
"Oh really? Math, which is the science of numbers, shows that they ARE acceptable"
"Thats stupid. Some kid on the internet made that up. Math is also equally stupid."
"YOURE STUPID!"
Follow this up by a brisk throw of the calculator into the face of who ever is calling you out (friend, parent, wife, etc.)
Bono, you are a Knight, and your lyrical genious haunts my dreams (As much as I pray for it to stop) so i think if you follow my simple rule, things will look up, and maybe you can trade that old wife in for someone... mathmatically speaking...31 years old?
Love your Biological Son,
Cole.
Ps. Child Support?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
KEEEEAIAAHHHHH!!!!!
When someone can kick over their head... or behind their head for that matter, its pretty darn impressive.
When someone can jump almost as high as you are tall, It also falls under the "holy shit" category.
I went to kickboxing with my mother on tuesday, and then with my sisters tonight (were not actually a tight family, we all kind of hate eachother), and it was rediculous... and really really really fun.
Number one, kickboxing is NOT a sissy fighting style. Its a brutal fighting style, because you kick people in their face. An uncommon fact about peoples faces is that it is where their eyes, ears, nose, teeth, and mostly all the parts of your body that make you beautiful are. Getting a foot there can be pretty detrimental to your dating life. Also you will sweat more than you ever possibly thought could come out of you without dying.
Number two. Living proof that people my size can probably kick anyones ass. Im not saying that I can kick ass in any way shape or form, But there are guys that are smaller than me that can apparently flying kick like they just jumped out of Mortal Kombat, onto your face, ready to rip your spine out (Fatality!).
Number three. My mom is the oldest person in the class, and I am proud that someone her age (which isnt 21 as she likes to tell people, which is getting harder and harder since im now 20) is able to keep up with all us young pups. I would even go so far as to say that in a few months, or a year or two, a small infant might have some trouble besting her in a fight.
Anyways, in conclusion, all the really good guys at the gym do this loud outward breathing thing, where they make a cool intimidating noise when they punch or kick. Most breath heavily and kinda spit. Some do the traditional "HAHHH". Another guy goes "ISEEEE" really crazily and sweatily.
What im asking for is a sound.
I need a cool sound to make.
Gimmie some suggestions so I can kick extra ass.
Love Cole.
When someone can jump almost as high as you are tall, It also falls under the "holy shit" category.
I went to kickboxing with my mother on tuesday, and then with my sisters tonight (were not actually a tight family, we all kind of hate eachother), and it was rediculous... and really really really fun.
Number one, kickboxing is NOT a sissy fighting style. Its a brutal fighting style, because you kick people in their face. An uncommon fact about peoples faces is that it is where their eyes, ears, nose, teeth, and mostly all the parts of your body that make you beautiful are. Getting a foot there can be pretty detrimental to your dating life. Also you will sweat more than you ever possibly thought could come out of you without dying.
Number two. Living proof that people my size can probably kick anyones ass. Im not saying that I can kick ass in any way shape or form, But there are guys that are smaller than me that can apparently flying kick like they just jumped out of Mortal Kombat, onto your face, ready to rip your spine out (Fatality!).
Number three. My mom is the oldest person in the class, and I am proud that someone her age (which isnt 21 as she likes to tell people, which is getting harder and harder since im now 20) is able to keep up with all us young pups. I would even go so far as to say that in a few months, or a year or two, a small infant might have some trouble besting her in a fight.
Anyways, in conclusion, all the really good guys at the gym do this loud outward breathing thing, where they make a cool intimidating noise when they punch or kick. Most breath heavily and kinda spit. Some do the traditional "HAHHH". Another guy goes "ISEEEE" really crazily and sweatily.
What im asking for is a sound.
I need a cool sound to make.
Gimmie some suggestions so I can kick extra ass.
Love Cole.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Bye Bye Dignity.
Last night involved me mostly naked at the bar.
Thats cool, I'm confident with my body and girls constantly touching my exposed bum to grope it.
What I'm not cool with is the fact that alcohol makes me an idiot... not even like a "I think I'm gonna ride this motorcycle on this jump over this shark" idiot.
Its more of a "I'm gonna WALK HOME FROM THE F#&!ing WALL"
I live at least 6 kilometers away from the Wall.
I walked home... naked.
I could have gotten raped
Or killed
Or raped and killed
Or killed and raped
Or just eaten by a bear.
Basically the moral of the story is... if you see a naked kid walking home tomorrow night. Pick him up and give him a ride.
But don't rape and kill him...
Thanks
Love Cole
Thats cool, I'm confident with my body and girls constantly touching my exposed bum to grope it.
What I'm not cool with is the fact that alcohol makes me an idiot... not even like a "I think I'm gonna ride this motorcycle on this jump over this shark" idiot.
Its more of a "I'm gonna WALK HOME FROM THE F#&!ing WALL"
I live at least 6 kilometers away from the Wall.
I walked home... naked.
I could have gotten raped
Or killed
Or raped and killed
Or killed and raped
Or just eaten by a bear.
Basically the moral of the story is... if you see a naked kid walking home tomorrow night. Pick him up and give him a ride.
But don't rape and kill him...
Thanks
Love Cole
Monday, September 29, 2008
The Upcoming Election.
As many of you know, the upcoming election is just on the horizon.
I happen to be working for the election this year as a Poll Clerk for the advance polls. I just got home from my training session in how to do this job since apparently my job is kinda important. During this time I came across a very startling revelation.
I am probably 60 years younger than 98% of the other people working the election.
Upside = Cookies, sweaters and hugs, because apparently am a "fine young gentleman".
Downside = Probabbly no flirting with co workers on the job... well... maybe.
Cole.
PS. Vote.
PPS. I was kidding about the flirting thing. I will not flirt. Unless there are cookies and sweaters at stake.
I happen to be working for the election this year as a Poll Clerk for the advance polls. I just got home from my training session in how to do this job since apparently my job is kinda important. During this time I came across a very startling revelation.
I am probably 60 years younger than 98% of the other people working the election.
Upside = Cookies, sweaters and hugs, because apparently am a "fine young gentleman".
Downside = Probabbly no flirting with co workers on the job... well... maybe.
Cole.
PS. Vote.
PPS. I was kidding about the flirting thing. I will not flirt. Unless there are cookies and sweaters at stake.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Forever Young.
I have a confession to make.
I have a terrible, unyielding fear of getting old... but its not for the reasons you would expect. I've been balding since about age 2, so that ones not even included.
At 20 years of age, most people would tell me that my fear of time is unfounded since with the miracles of medical science i could easily live past my 80s, making my life only 1/4 finished. My fear is not that my time on the earth are almost done, its that the GOOD times are nearly gone.
Below lies the reasons why.
9th Birthday -"OHHHHH MY GOSH! My birthday is tomorrow and when I turn 9 Mom said I could stay up to watch a BIG KID SHOOOOOOOW! I think I just peed my Power Ranger Pajamas!"
16th Birthday - "My birthday is tomorrow. I'm totally getting my license. Then I'm totally getting a car, and I'm SO getting to 2nd base in the back seat. Its gonna be sickkkk."
18th Birthday - " My birthday is tomorrow. The second that clock strikes midnight, I'm running over to the corner store and buying... A LOTTERY TICKET. I also cant wait to Vote. I'm gonna bring my voters card to school, and allllll the ladies are gonna be up on this because politics ROCK!" (Sidenote. Contrary to what most females think, like 98% males don't buy porn on their 18th birthday, because everyone knows you can get it on the internet for free. It's common sense.)
19th Birthday - "Fake ID, welcome to the garbage can. You were kinda pointless, since you had a picture of a middle eastern man on you, and said that I was 6'3, but you and me had some good times attempting to get into bars. Tomorrow i am waltzing into that LCBO and buying one of everything they have. Then I'm gonna buy 32 packs of cigarettes. Then I'm gonna smoke and drink everything that I bought, and then head to the bar. Oh, and while I'm gonna pick up cougars. Yay for me."
20th Birthday- "Well... last year I didn't pick up any cougars, since I was busy throwing up. Well none of that matters. This year is what really matters! THIS YEAR I'M GONNA... oh damn.Wait no. I'm old."
Many people will argue that your 21st birthday is your last great birthday, since you can drink in the USA. I argue, whats so good about the US? If you do something stupid drinking, you have to pay for your hospital visit. Lameeeee.
Basically the problem that I'm facing right now is that I'm trying to balance the joys of my youth with the responsibilities of adulthood.
Trying to balance your education to become an adult while still maintaining the level of randomness and stupidity that goes along with being young is a difficult task indeed. I lost my balance two years ago which resulted in me leaving Nipissing University. Luckily I've had the opportunity to come back to the place and people I love... I'm finding my balance.
So the moral of the story is, find your balance, but please stay young. Before you know it we will all be 30, paying mortgages, making car payments and wondering where all those good times you had in school ever did go. Make sure you have some good drinking stories to tell the grand-kids.
As for me. I should probably be doing my essays to maintain my balance of not failing classes.
Love Cole.
I have a terrible, unyielding fear of getting old... but its not for the reasons you would expect. I've been balding since about age 2, so that ones not even included.
At 20 years of age, most people would tell me that my fear of time is unfounded since with the miracles of medical science i could easily live past my 80s, making my life only 1/4 finished. My fear is not that my time on the earth are almost done, its that the GOOD times are nearly gone.
Below lies the reasons why.
9th Birthday -"OHHHHH MY GOSH! My birthday is tomorrow and when I turn 9 Mom said I could stay up to watch a BIG KID SHOOOOOOOW! I think I just peed my Power Ranger Pajamas!"
16th Birthday - "My birthday is tomorrow. I'm totally getting my license. Then I'm totally getting a car, and I'm SO getting to 2nd base in the back seat. Its gonna be sickkkk."
18th Birthday - " My birthday is tomorrow. The second that clock strikes midnight, I'm running over to the corner store and buying... A LOTTERY TICKET. I also cant wait to Vote. I'm gonna bring my voters card to school, and allllll the ladies are gonna be up on this because politics ROCK!" (Sidenote. Contrary to what most females think, like 98% males don't buy porn on their 18th birthday, because everyone knows you can get it on the internet for free. It's common sense.)
19th Birthday - "Fake ID, welcome to the garbage can. You were kinda pointless, since you had a picture of a middle eastern man on you, and said that I was 6'3, but you and me had some good times attempting to get into bars. Tomorrow i am waltzing into that LCBO and buying one of everything they have. Then I'm gonna buy 32 packs of cigarettes. Then I'm gonna smoke and drink everything that I bought, and then head to the bar. Oh, and while I'm gonna pick up cougars. Yay for me."
20th Birthday- "Well... last year I didn't pick up any cougars, since I was busy throwing up. Well none of that matters. This year is what really matters! THIS YEAR I'M GONNA... oh damn.Wait no. I'm old."
Many people will argue that your 21st birthday is your last great birthday, since you can drink in the USA. I argue, whats so good about the US? If you do something stupid drinking, you have to pay for your hospital visit. Lameeeee.
Basically the problem that I'm facing right now is that I'm trying to balance the joys of my youth with the responsibilities of adulthood.
Trying to balance your education to become an adult while still maintaining the level of randomness and stupidity that goes along with being young is a difficult task indeed. I lost my balance two years ago which resulted in me leaving Nipissing University. Luckily I've had the opportunity to come back to the place and people I love... I'm finding my balance.
So the moral of the story is, find your balance, but please stay young. Before you know it we will all be 30, paying mortgages, making car payments and wondering where all those good times you had in school ever did go. Make sure you have some good drinking stories to tell the grand-kids.
As for me. I should probably be doing my essays to maintain my balance of not failing classes.
Love Cole.
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